the one emotion i feel that tears me down the most is the feeling of emptiness. the feeling of missing pieces. the feeling of being so close to complete yet so far from it. it is hard not to let it get to you. it is a paperweight for one's thoughts...to afraid to let them out and to afraid to keep them in for fear they may lead you to meet your own wicked demise. I am missing my sun-drenched world right now.

nothing new to say, nothing new to wish for, nothing new to hope for. I feel a little lost. I seemed to do better when i was working 60-70 hours a week...it helped me put it behind me, forget about it and gave me something to else to focus on. that isn't the case anymore. now all i can do is keep breathing. the one person that i want to understand me (and maybe does to a point) really doesn't or I should say doesn't fully. Perhaps that will change. All i know right now is that I am breathing and all i can do is keep breathing. believing, hoping, wishing...keep breathing.

maybe i'm lost right now. maybe i won't be in afew months but for now maybe i am. i can say it here. i can't say it anywhere else.

everywhere else and everyday i am mother, father, provider, chauffeur, financial backer, care-taker, deal maker...the list goes on. but it leaves no time for me to be me. i want to be Leslie for a little while. who is leslie today? what is it that defines me anymore? all of those things above would make that up but it is more than that. i don't get to say these things to anyone but i need to. i want to. i want to see leslie again. i want to see the shining eyed, loving, care-free and fun person that was there once. the person that knew who she was and stood stead fast in that being. why did i let her go? why did i hide her again? i am so lost right now.